Surrender

I’ve been playing around with this word “surrender” all week long and I purposely waited until Thursday night to write this blog because I just knew the word would completely rock my week … and it did.  And let me just say here, this blog is not going to skim the surface with sugar coated, prophetic words thread together … it’s laced in truth.

I was a bit concerned with Kali Ma coming through so strong and ferocious; Mercury Retrograde hot on her heals to stir up some darkness.  Then the New Moon in Virgo coupled with a Solar Eclipse …  begging for the death and dying of the old so truth can prevail … all wrapped up in the angst of a Conjunct of the Sun/Moon; Mars/Saturn all Squaring each other along with Crazy Spiritually Divine Neptune.  That’s a lot of shit happening at one time.  And honestly I wanted to hide; I just wanted to rest. To head to Hawaii, Mexico, Sonoma, anywhere that I could lay in the sun and let the storm pass.

But instead I got ready for battle. 

And like I do … well I dove right in with trident in one hand, sword in the other just like my Goddess, Durga.  But this time the healing didn’t come from my former pattern of masculine warrior-like actions, it came from surrendering my sword, laying down my trident and looking into the eyes of another soul so deeply that my heart hurt.  It came from being so vulnerable that the words were choked up with tears the second they came out of my mouth.  It was a result of finally stating what I wanted from a place that was clear, intentional and purposeful.  It came from me looking at that child within myself and honoring her for all that she had gone through and finally asking for help.

I have been asking for months, for all of my old stuff to come to me so I can swallow it whole and deal with it as it comes back into my face once and for all.  I have been asking for radical forgiveness … to be able to give it and receive it.  And it’s here; all of it.  And I have to say I am in deep surrender. 

Deep surrender around the fear of failing …
Deep surrender about what people think…
Deep surrender about body image ….
Deep surrender about relationship …
Deep surrender around intimacy ….
Deep surrender around unconditional love….

And here it all is … at my doorstep saying, “look at me, look at me, look at me!”  And my head says, “No flippin’ way … it’s too much!” but my heart says … BRING IT ON! 

Surrender to the heart … surrender to the heart … surrender to the heart.

The heart knows so much; it can tell stories about you from before you were born! It’s holds it all and it wants you to rest in it all. 

Why is this hard for so many people?  I don’t know!  But surrendering to our dark corners is the most ferocious work in this human life.  It is medicine for the soul and within our shadows lies all the light we ever need to illuminate our deepest purpose.  

So when you ask me why would I do this, willingly?  Resurface tears and fear and screams of anger and resentment never spoken…. Why?  Because I have a purpose and if those things go unexpressed … I won’t get to live that purpose in this lifetime.  And as far as I know, we only get one life.

And, I’m here to live big and to love large, which means truth must prevail. And only 100% of the time.   Surrendering to truth isn’t always easy because quite often it means walking through fear, guilt, shame, grief, or illusion first.  But when you surrender you relax into freedom and love.  When this happens we truly recognize that life is one magical event after another and we really aren’t what we think we are …. We are more.