This week I looked up the word transmute again – just to see if that theme actually vibrated with what I have been feeling into. Because you see, when I “pick” a theme, I actually allow it to come to me.  I look to see what’s happening in the planets and I feel into what’s “hot” out there.  And then I see how and if it relates, so things make sense. 

Nothing is just random you know, it’s all Divine. 

In this inquiry, I was reminded that transmute means:

to change in form, appearance, structure or the nature of something.  It can be an alchemical shift of who you are and how you show up in the world energetically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  And in that alchemical shift that begins on the inside, we eventually take on a different form on the outside. 

Whoa, that can be intense.  Yes, yes it can because it involves fire, air, courage, willingness, depth, and compassion all wrapped up in an instant.  It’s not for the faint of heart that is for sure.  It’s not for those unwilling to observe without judging. 

It is however, for those open to shifting once and for all.

I feel a collective movement to transmutation and this, this makes me excited.  To witness so many of us choosing to drop the idea of separation and recognize unity is no easy task, but it’s happening.  To notice people stepping into their deepest fears, acknowledging their core wounds, and not prophetically healing them, but instead getting messy while Divine chaos takes over.

To be completely vulnerable (that IS my word for the year) – I was going to re-post my blog from the last time I wrote about this topic.  However, the lovely Universe, in all her Majesty, would not allow me to do this. 

No – this is in real time.

These last two weeks have brought me to my knees, literally, in deep vulnerability.  Amazing how you call out a word and the Universe not only drops it right into your lap but sort of slings it at you with a vengeance that says, "Oh yeah? I dare you!"

I watched myself vacillate between separation and deep opening.

In that moment in time, the tears were uncontrollable. I could feel my heart vibrating into my arms as if there was lifetimes of work happening underneath my skin.  I was expending a ton of energy and not sleeping, but oddly, I wasn’t tired at all. My thoughts were incessant.  My body was in a constant state of tingling. 

In the past given this opportunity to shut down or open up, I would have surely chosen to shut down, create a wall, distract myself, and maybe even blame someone else for this position I was in.  It had to be the “other” person, a past perpetrator, a thought that wasn’t mine.  I mean really, could this un-rest and discomfort really be within – me?  Could I really own it?

And I sat … and sat … and sat and cried and cried and cried until there were no more tears.  Literally.  I allowed myself to feel into deep anguish without knowing what it was.  I allowed myself to be held and witnessed beyond my ego need to “save face”.  I didn’t walk away, although I admittedly tried.

I realized in sincere witnessing, that I was experiencing my deepest wound in full force.  And everything in my being was not vibrating with it any longer.  My body was trying to do the same things it had always done in response to this same situation, and my soul was finally speaking so much louder that I had to pay attention.  I physically could not fall into my old patterns, it wasn’t an option this time. This time had to be different if I was going to move forward into intimacy with this life.

I was so adamant about setting boundaries to protect my heart, like I had done for so many years, and in so many situations, that my soul had had enough. It was done protecting, done being the victim, done with being a martyr, and certainly had enough of being alone.

And I did something so different, so out of my box.  I took all my own teachings, that obviously the Divine has been sharing through me, and I listened intently to everything.  I dropped down into silence and listened to all the angels around me.  I lay on Mother Gaia and let her nourish me.  I cried in the car, in the shower, in front of my kids, and in yoga class with my students.  I cried in the face of friends and to the one who brought this to light.  I didn’t give in to fear.  I said how I felt from the deepest place and knew that if I didn’t do this, I would be in my old way of being.  I realized the constriction of boundaries and separation was too much to bear ever again.

I rewired my brain, chose to dive off the deep-end, and aligned my actions with my heart with no attachment.  And in doing so, I was offered up something so different than I had ever experienced before. 

Peaceful presence.  Being instead of doing.  Acceptance.
Unconditional love. Blissful trust.

This … this is transmuting

It’s hard, I’ll just say it.  We must sit in the fire as long as we need in order for this transmutation to take hold fully.  But mostly what we do is run …

…it’s too hot! It’s too painful!  It’s just like before!  It's too intense!  Get me the hell out of here!

Sure it is and that is the pattern.  But when you sit long enough, you burn away the toxicity, the impurities of heart, the hurt, the wounding, and you dissolve into what’s real and what’s raw, which is love.

The only way to transmute anything is through the power of the heart.
The only thing that can transmute anything IS the heart.
The only salve for deep connection is the breath of the heart.

Self-love, unconditional love, tough love … you name it, it all dissolves into love.

It happened just like the books say, in a time-lapse, slow-motion crazy sort of way that is different every time you look back at the unfolding of it all.  Because that’s how it works, it isn’t up to you.  The only thing that is up to you is the willingness to shift and expand.

For real.

It’s a willingness to see magic, believe in your path, and trust in the unknown.  It’s a vulnerability to love and a readiness to create a grandiose life outside of your own imagination!